Hoplessly devoted to Death

Let me ask this question, how many people have thought about suicide, raise you hand?.

How many people have attempted suicide? Raise your hand.

How many people know someone who has committed suicide, attempted or spoke about ending their life? Raise your hand

If you answered even one of out these three you are not alone, unfortunately those who are on the brink of suicide do not realize there is help out there. I can raise my hand to the first two of these three questions; thankfully, I am still here to write about it and hope I can help someone reading this who may be under duress or help someone who knows someone who they are afraid they may be thinking of ending their life.

Does it still cross my mind? I’ll answer that with an honest yes, yes it does cross my mind, sometimes very deeply. I think about how I would do it, would I want it quick or something that may take a few minutes so I can take those few last moments knowing I reached the point of no return. I think if it will painful, will it be messy, how will they find me, then I think of who would find me.



I think of how my children would feel, my husband, my parents, siblings, friends, and those who don’t know me well, but would know my name if they read it in the paper or heard it from someone else.

I think of the afterlife, where will I be, will I go to hell because I took the gift of life God gave me, will I be forgiven in the eyes of God because he/she would understand the pain I was in? On the other hand, will that just be it, nothing more…. Dead silence for eternity?

These are the thoughts that run through my head at my darkest moments, moments to some may seem easy to resolve, just pick up, and get on with your life they say, it’s not that bad. How would they know, did they ever walk a day in my shoes, seen what I have seen, lived what I have lived, died inside because of the pain our mortal hearts can feel?

It’s easy for them to say isn’t it, but the reality is, most people do go through similar events in their lives, loss of a relationship, loss of a parent, loss of a child, loss of a job, financial pain, bullying, lack of friends, lack of self esteem, loss of faith, so many life events that lead to one tremendously painful emotion, Depression.

Am I feeling this emotion as I write this? The honest answer to that would be yes. At this moment, I am feeling depression, my life not how I saw it to be, challenges in my life feeling I can’t get over, loneliness in my emotions that cannot be comforted, feelings of despair, loss and frustration. Do I not want to wake up tomorrow? Yes, I do because there is a difference in reality at this moment and the reality is I only want to stop living, but not to die.

Has life thrown me a curve ball? Yes, it has. Sometimes daily, can I deal with it? I try, and in the end, my life’s problems, my despair and hopelessness I feel at the moment, eventually makes me a stronger person, because I survived it, even though at this moment despair and fear surround my life fearing the pain that may come tomorrow, or the next or the next, pain I just don’t want to feel.

I know taking my life is not the way out of my suffering and depression. Life many times seems hopeless for me, whether it financial, relationships or just feeling completely useless in this world, sometimes talking myself into thinking no one would even care or miss me if I was gone, but then I realize something. Many people would miss me, my children, my family and my friends, and anyone in the future I may have an affect on their life whether in a subtle way with a friendly smile to someone who is having a bad day as I walk down the street, that unknowing smile could regain that person’s hope for humanity. Many times not even knowing the many strangers, we pass or say a brief hello to could potentially change their lives forever.

Read More World Suicide Prevention Day is everyday

Ramble On

The last of the mania has subsided but this time with no complications. Do I feel a little depressed? Maybe a little, coming down off those days of high energy going back to the norm of kicking around does have it’s downfalls for a day or two, like my mind just came off of a week long party and still wanting to get the party started again.

If only my life could stay on that plain without any side effects, what a life that would be, but that’s not the reality of it.

I find it harder to write now, the passion is still there but not at the speed it was, the words do not flash across my mind and no rambling on rough notes needed for this post. Read More The last of the manic mania

Manic for Music

Wow, what a high I was on for 5 days, a natural euphoric high as my hypomania began into full-blown mania, from recognizing this change I have been able to bring myself down a notch, that and Ron insisting I don’t let myself get any higher. The dreaded crash of it, starting with irritable moods then anger then crashing into depression, but it’s hard to force myself to part with the feelings associated that makes me feel alive, feeling and greater sensation of the pleasures surrounding me, taking the bull by the horns.

I knew I was on my way up with the normal indications, and those days felt good, yesterday turned full-blown. The trigger, could it have been from staying up the previous night not wanting myself to sleep, to enjoy the peace surrounding me and to stay awake to experience the sunrise over the lake on this particularly beautiful day, or was it just the natural process that exceeds hypo mania. Read Full Post Bipolar Mania with music thrown in the mix