Tuesday, December 15, 2009


to take your MEDS...
myspace layouts images

and always remember

Friday, September 11, 2009

Pain, Pain Go Away, I Can't Take This Another Day

crying man

What can be said to a hardened soul

Who’s Tired and lonely

Feeling so cold


With a heart warming smile

outside to the world

Inside bleeding

with death at the door


Hidden within, the demons reside

Torturous feeling

Trying hard to decide

Is life worth living

Or is it easier to die


Pretending to be

So happy and true

Not wanting those around

To see a soul so blue


Sometimes happiness comes at a price

A feeling so good

Briefly releasing the vice


Then a turn of events

Not expecting to fall

So sudden it happens

not understanding at all


Then you look in the mirror

And wonder but why

As tears start falling

Starting to cry


You question yourself

You’re nightmare begins

The thoughts start surrounding

The thoughts of the end


It would be so easy

First here and then gone

No more pain in the heart

No more lonely sad songs


No more lies to yourself

No more lies to the world


No more questions of love

No more questions of pain


Not having to smile

So no one can see

The true feeling behind

A real heart that can bleed


But can you really see

Behind those sad eyes

Is anyone looking?

Or is it all just lies


When life gives you lemons

And turn’s to sour taste

you can’t make lemonade

From the stone bitter taste


A place of darkness

A place of peace

If silence is golden

Then it’s a place

I’d much rather be


No more goodbyes

No more hellos


I’ll just go


World Suicide Prevention Day needs to be everyday.. Reach out to those living with pain you can not see, the next person who takes their life, could be someone you know

Help yourself, Help Another

Have you ever felt like or seen others like this-
stressed man

or This

stressed woman

Wouldn't you rather feel or see people like this-

happy people

Doctors aren't the only ones who can save a life-- you can too

Life is fragile, plant the seed and keep life growing

life is fragile

Read More Suicide Intervention Skills Training

Hoplessly devoted to Death

Let me ask this question, how many people have thought about suicide, raise you hand?.

How many people have attempted suicide? Raise your hand.

How many people know someone who has committed suicide, attempted or spoke about ending their life? Raise your hand

If you answered even one of out these three you are not alone, unfortunately those who are on the brink of suicide do not realize there is help out there. I can raise my hand to the first two of these three questions; thankfully, I am still here to write about it and hope I can help someone reading this who may be under duress or help someone who knows someone who they are afraid they may be thinking of ending their life.

Does it still cross my mind? I’ll answer that with an honest yes, yes it does cross my mind, sometimes very deeply. I think about how I would do it, would I want it quick or something that may take a few minutes so I can take those few last moments knowing I reached the point of no return. I think if it will painful, will it be messy, how will they find me, then I think of who would find me.

night falls fast

I think of how my children would feel, my husband, my parents, siblings, friends, and those who don’t know me well, but would know my name if they read it in the paper or heard it from someone else.

I think of the afterlife, where will I be, will I go to hell because I took the gift of life God gave me, will I be forgiven in the eyes of God because he/she would understand the pain I was in? On the other hand, will that just be it, nothing more…. Dead silence for eternity?

These are the thoughts that run through my head at my darkest moments, moments to some may seem easy to resolve, just pick up, and get on with your life they say, it’s not that bad. How would they know, did they ever walk a day in my shoes, seen what I have seen, lived what I have lived, died inside because of the pain our mortal hearts can feel?

It’s easy for them to say isn’t it, but the reality is, most people do go through similar events in their lives, loss of a relationship, loss of a parent, loss of a child, loss of a job, financial pain, bullying, lack of friends, lack of self esteem, loss of faith, so many life events that lead to one tremendously painful emotion, Depression.

Am I feeling this emotion as I write this? The honest answer to that would be yes. At this moment, I am feeling depression, my life not how I saw it to be, challenges in my life feeling I can’t get over, loneliness in my emotions that cannot be comforted, feelings of despair, loss and frustration. Do I not want to wake up tomorrow? Yes, I do because there is a difference in reality at this moment and the reality is I only want to stop living, but not to die.

Has life thrown me a curve ball? Yes, it has. Sometimes daily, can I deal with it? I try, and in the end, my life’s problems, my despair and hopelessness I feel at the moment, eventually makes me a stronger person, because I survived it, even though at this moment despair and fear surround my life fearing the pain that may come tomorrow, or the next or the next, pain I just don’t want to feel.

I know taking my life is not the way out of my suffering and depression. Life many times seems hopeless for me, whether it financial, relationships or just feeling completely useless in this world, sometimes talking myself into thinking no one would even care or miss me if I was gone, but then I realize something. Many people would miss me, my children, my family and my friends, and anyone in the future I may have an affect on their life whether in a subtle way with a friendly smile to someone who is having a bad day as I walk down the street, that unknowing smile could regain that person’s hope for humanity. Many times not even knowing the many strangers, we pass or say a brief hello to could potentially change their lives forever.

Read More World Suicide Prevention Day is everyday

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Ramble On

The last of the mania has subsided but this time with no complications. Do I feel a little depressed? Maybe a little, coming down off those days of high energy going back to the norm of kicking around does have it’s downfalls for a day or two, like my mind just came off of a week long party and still wanting to get the party started again.

If only my life could stay on that plain without any side effects, what a life that would be, but that’s not the reality of it.

I find it harder to write now, the passion is still there but not at the speed it was, the words do not flash across my mind and no rambling on rough notes needed for this post. Read More The last of the manic mania

Manic for Music

Wow, what a high I was on for 5 days, a natural euphoric high as my hypomania began into full-blown mania, from recognizing this change I have been able to bring myself down a notch, that and Ron insisting I don’t let myself get any higher. The dreaded crash of it, starting with irritable moods then anger then crashing into depression, but it’s hard to force myself to part with the feelings associated that makes me feel alive, feeling and greater sensation of the pleasures surrounding me, taking the bull by the horns.

I knew I was on my way up with the normal indications, and those days felt good, yesterday turned full-blown. The trigger, could it have been from staying up the previous night not wanting myself to sleep, to enjoy the peace surrounding me and to stay awake to experience the sunrise over the lake on this particularly beautiful day, or was it just the natural process that exceeds hypo mania. Read Full Post Bipolar Mania with music thrown in the mix

Monday, July 13, 2009

Surviving Bipolar -- Soothing the savage beast

I came across a website today with a write up of Kay Redfield Jamison's book Touched with Fire and after reading a comment a gentlemen left on it I felt a need to write back. Because this comment was left a year ago I doubt he would have received it, so instead I decided to post it here and hopefully my experience can help others surviving bipolar or living with someone trying to help them survive and control it.

Dear Kevin:

I do know how you feel, especially when you wrote your comments. First, you really must try to come to grips with your disorder. I have survived Bipolar since I was diagnosed 27 years ago, and everyday is a struggle to survive this debilitating disorder but you can. First finding the doctor and proper medication that helps you, this can take trials. Cocktails of drugs some doctor’s give I believe are more harmful then good, but you can find a combination of one or two that may work with you. Not everything works for everyone and it depends which bipolar type you are.

Second, you must never forget to take your meds, even when feeling at the top of the world. This is so important, I was one who went off and on my whole life until 5 years ago I was contemplating suicide, I knew then it was time to take control of it and not let this disorder control me. Proper eating habits and exercise is imperative in the control of bipolar, certain foods became my trigger like chocolate, I can eat it but never overindulge, whether this is actually a factor in bipolar or something many people experience I’ve never looked into it. I can say high protein at meals followed with a fruit or vegetable (garden salad is best for vegetable as it contains a variety) right after eating protein whether it’s porridge, hard boiled eggs, chicken, lean beef, cheese and whole wheat crackers, it keeps the level in your body sustained so you don’t feel the ups and downs. This eating habit really goes for anyone, but because those with bipolar experience ups and downs daily, adding to it with just eating anything that gives your body a quick burst of energy then crashes (example eating lots of fruit with natural sugars giving a instant boost, but falls quickly left feeling tired). The protein helps absorb the natural sugar giving you a longer sustainability of energy.

Finding your passion, and since the consensus is those with bipolar are very creative find your creative talent then channel it, I did when I started my business. I love to write, I love to design, I love to make people laugh, I have a variety of passions I enjoy so channeling one was impossible since multi-tasking is something I love to do and daily change I need. I used this to create a business I could channel everything I loved, although it hasn’t happened overnight it has taken years to get where I’m becoming content in my work, staying on course now, by experimenting with many different ideas, I finally found the path I was looking for. Finding this gave me many things to help survive my bipolar, it gave me a reason to get up in the morning, and it gave me something I could see I was good at. It gave me inspiration that I can accomplish something I was good at, and showed myself each accomplishment in my life and instead of feeling down about myself and felt I never belonged anywhere and many times just useless, I finally empowered by bipolar and turned my nightmare into my blessing.

Listen to lots of music, at different times, music calms the savage beast and when the bad parts of bipolar rear it’s ugly head, music can sooth it. Over stimulation can be a person with bipolar worst enemy so find a quiet place, away from noise and turn on more soothing music. Whatever your taste is, whether it be soft rock, classical, opera, R&B, relaxation tapes, it doesn’t matter as long as you can channel your feelings on find a sense of calmness. I love many types of music and depending on my mood; my music if I listen to any that day, may vary.

Faith, it is very important to have faith. Faith has a different meaning to people so find what you have faith in, and in turn you will find faith in yourself. A caveat to that is putting faith into other people you may find disappointment and therefore feel like just sucks, this is because no one is perfect and if you put someone on a pedestal you are likely to see they fall off just like everyone else. I did this many times and blamed them when I found they weren’t everything I wanted them to be, I turned my faith to God and finding spiritual meanings in life, I never found doing this gave me disappointment, only inspiration the more I found my way in my beliefs. I sometimes need to seek out a meaning so I pick up the bible and read a passage, doing this helps me find my way back if I feel lost. I also read on many other religions, it helps find my spiritual being and where I belong. It helped me understand, I am important in this world and I am here for a reason.

Educating yourself especially in your areas of interest, or finding a new interest and learning about it, even if you do not become an expert, a little knowledge in many things can go along way.

Support groups are very important, but finding the support you need is also very difficult. I found being in a support group with other people with bipolar may not help and the reason for this is stems from moods bouncing off each other. If a person with bipolar is in a room with mania it can trigger yours and you become unproductive, although some mania because of the energy it produces also produces going in circles, the same can happen if many are depressed. What is needed is people around who understand how bipolar people think and are supportive and understanding when you need it the most. You need people around who know how to remind you that taking your meds needed daily but in a way that will not send the person on a tangent.

A good support helps and understands when a person with bipolar needs to sleep needs to be alone or needs constant attention. The problem is, it is hard to find those people because the lack of understanding on Bipolar. It is difficult when someone who does not have it to understand and support someone who does because that support person can become almost a human punching bag (not literally by hitting) but also know it is the disorder that is causing the behavior, not the person. This can’t be the continued excuse for a person with bipolar, and anyone who has bipolar or knows someone with bipolar knows how the sorry starts once the mood has passed. It can be controlled, the person with bipolar must learn to take responsibility for their actions by taking the steps needed to get better controlled. This can take time but if you want those around to stay around you need to prove you are helping yourself, so when something happens in life to trigger something the support person is likely to be there willing to help.

I never liked when I would hear a friend or my husband after an incident say, its okay we know it is not you it is the bipolar.I would tell them, no, you cannot allow me to use it as an excuse, I must take responsibility or I will never help myself. I loved them for so much understanding and sticking by me, but to excuse my behavior would just keep me from wanting to make myself better. It is easier to just let things happen then to force yourself to look into the mirror and own up, but doing so saved my life.

I was blessed to have many people from my parents to my husband, friends and a long time family doctor (who has a family member who is a survivor of bipolar so she has first hand understanding) who has stuck by me through thick and thin, and my children who understand me because we educated them on the disorder. I have become a better, stronger, and more independent person because of their understanding, but this does not mean everything argument is because of my bipolar. Sometimes stress of life many go through whether family or marriage, it is difficult for someone with bipolar to walk away or not feel beaten down because they feel everyone is out to get them. I had to learn those people around me I couldn’t put on a pedestal because they are only human and also make mistakes, I also had to learn the only person that can help me is me, those around are only there to support me and help me when I need the help.

Alcohol or drug abuse is common in a bipolar world and many believe it helps them control their symptoms but I can tell you it does not, it makes the cycles worse. Marijuana seems to have many people with bipolar believe it mellows them and controls symptoms; again this is wrong and only leads to symptoms worsening for many reasons. Anything in moderation in life is beneficial and moderation being the key because you then have control of how much, but those with bipolar tend to overdue, so smoking a bit will lead to smoking more and before you know it that’s all your doing. It may stimulate some creative thoughts but many times these creative thoughts may seem sound but not as much as people would like to think. You can control those creative thoughts when you learn how to control bipolar without relying on stimulants or in the case of alcohol depressives. The problems also arise with the cost of supplying yourself with overindulging, and the overall feel including indulging in snack food that is not ideal and can spin your mania or depression out of control. Those who will disagree wanting to believe these alternatives really help them, because they do not want to give it up. Unless you can control your disorder and learn to do everything in moderation, abuse is sure to happen or continue.

Reading books on bipolar written by people who are survivors of bipolar helps because it reminds you you’re not alone and there are people out there that know how your feeling. I found reading Kay Redfield Jamison books years ago gave me inspiration I can survive and make a life for myself. Many celebrities have come out and spoken about their bipolar and more should be open about it. It is time we stop being embarrassed of this disorder because there are many benefits of Bipolar as long as you control it and not let it control you. Those with bipolar know their creative talents and is sometimes difficult to harness, but it is possible and can turn it into your advantage.

Sleep is so important, so many with bipolar in their manic stages can’t sleep and won’t sleep and sometimes feels so good to have this burst of energy but lack of sleep with spin you out of control. It is important to know when you start losing sleep to take a mild sleep aid prescribed by your doctor and force yourself to take it, make yourself sleep. Anyone who is sleep deprived will negatively effect their lives at some point, someone with bipolar it is even more important sleep is induced but this is where doctors must be careful what they prescribe to their patients. Heavy addicting sleep aids can become dangerous if their patients abuse it and when they do, their body builds up tolerance and defeats the purpose. I went through many psychiatrists in 27 years, many who I found did not truly understand, and then my family doctor found and recommended a psychiatrist who specialized in bipolar disorder. I would discuss with him the many cocktails I was on; he was surprised, subscribed so many at one time. He found the perfect combination for me, a daily dose of the anti-depressant Effexlor also prescribed Seroquel but only to take when needed. How do I know when to take my Seroquel, when I spot I’m getting to manic or feeling depressed? Taking the steps to control my bipolar gave me the knowledge of what ‘feeling normal’ feels like. This medication will bring my levels to normal. This works for me, but it may not work for everyone so I am certainly not saying this is the magic combination. This doctor was able to tell which bipolar type I was, it has been a couple of years since I have needed to see him but I believe he said I was type II. This is what I was anyway when I saw him, I was already taking the Effexlor my family doctor, and I decided I would try and was working because I was coming to grips with the disorder and learning to control it by not missing my pills. With anti depressants it can trigger mania so I needed another medication and with Lithium, it just did not agree with me and was not for me. I had been on many other medications known to prescribe for bipolar but once I started taking the Seroquel to help me stabilize when I needed it, I found the perfect combination. I believe our bipolar type can change because I looking back on some years I was a definite rapid cycle, but life circumstances were different and this can affect someone with bipolar because of the sensitivity to situations we have.

I believe Michael Jackson was undiagnosed bipolar, as the days pass and we learn what made him tick may find he was living with it but didn’t know, therefore turning to other prescriptions trying to find ways to control what he was feeling. Physical pain can manifest from mental pain, and although the physical pain is real for that person it may diminish when mental stability is under control, because if you can control your mental state, something that can be a difficult even for those without surviving disorders, pain management can also be accomplished. The occasional pain medication may still need administration for pain following surgeries, or other physical ailments but addiction is less likely because of the ability to control your life, and your disorder. I found once I worked on taking control my bipolar symptoms they are not as severe because I can recognize something if I am feeling out of the ordinary. With this, I will subtly adjust my medication, while informing my husband if I adjusted in case the effect goes negative whether up or down. I tell him also when I take a Seroquel, and taking these knocks me out so if I feel out of the ordinary I make sure, when I take it is when I can get at least 8 hours sleep, so usually at night.

It’s taken years to get my life to this point and have had my fair share of trials and tribulations, everyday I struggle at some capacity but the more control I have in my daily life, the more I feel I in control of my disorder and feel good about myself. My life isn’t always rosy, but I can say it’s never been better because my finally forced my demons behind me and when they appear on my shoulder it’s easier to brush them off, turn my head and feel the angel sitting on the other side.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

It has been written and we have been told

Abomination ---a vile, shameful, or detestable action, condition, habit, etc.

Desolation -- Devastation; ruin

The end of times, no one knows, not even Jesus himself knew the day and time only God our Father knows, he has however, given us signs of many in past and present to recognize future events. One book in the bible, Daniel is one of our greatest indicators of when we should become aware the time is near and with it the phrase “abomination that causes desolation” is mentioned many times in different contexts but the meaning itself of what is spoken of will always be the same, it is up to man (I say man since he refers to both male and female hence the word human) to decipher what the “abomination that causes desolation” actually is.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008


What is it about me, that makes people hate
I wish someone would tell me, so I will know my own fate

Following me around, hurting to no end
Pretending to be someone their not, sure not a friend

I stayed close to my family and kept my nose clean
Yet those who love to hurt me, God they're so mean

So let this be a lesson, again I learn today
Love is a gamble, now I don't want to play

One day I'll be gone but will anyone care
My heart is stone cold and never again
will I be able to share

Friday, April 18, 2008


where does life begin
and where does it end
when the taste of blood
falls from your head

blood drips from your nose
wishing you were dead
a nightmare you try
to live that you led

where is the love
when lies are what makes
a life worth living
a life you can't take

Visons that never
can be left behind
when memories stop you
and hold you blind

where do you go when all that you know
a life full of torture constant death in a row
this life of the devil
after selling your soul

No pleas are enough
frightened as a foe
who can understand
all that you know

When wishing for love
it comes at a price
until death do you part
with your soul in a vice

Always remember
when your life feels down
never sell to the devil
or your soul he will crown

Wednesday, April 2, 2008


myspace layout images

I think about today
and everything I learned
All the people that I met
In Facebook around the world

So many things to say
So little time to do
What have we accomplished
Or are we just screwed

Crying people, suicidal thoughts
Hating each other like God told Lot

Facebook is a great place
With happy people here
Turn it into a pillar of salt
and boom, it will disappear

Let's keep a happy face
and help those that don't

There's a world of difference people can make
When we stop and learn
and give each other a break.
Make Music not War...

"It's OUR Business to Make a Difference"

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


I just wanted to share an email with everyone explaining to my facebook friend Jim
how I've been coping with my Bipolar, and explaining to him what gets me through the day.

This Facebook friend is amazing. He has written and published 6 Books available , also a journalist and is a music lover with a library of music you don't want to miss searching through.

The man is a gentleman and a scholar.

Thank you Jim,

I had alot of time for soul searching for years. I also spent about 6 months testing out blogging, making stories all over the place indicating..is it fact or fiction , you be the judge. It was also a internet blogging test out to see how much people listen and how much people will read certain things more over another. It was a year study of the pyscology of people with also dealing with my own soul searching in the mean time of over one type of writing over another.

My family and friends are quite used to this as they see me go in and out of my writings or seculsions and sometimes my confusions. I have worked on the confusion part of it with the strengh my many of my support system but mainly to keeping faith and not letting all the bad things in life get you down.

Reading the bible has helped me more then any pycology book or any advice a psycitriat has helped me with.

Therepy is all about coming to terms with yourself and actions to the bad things that can happen around you. I learned the hard way not to long ago that my very negetive reactions to life's' downfalls caused a more negetive reaction in my life and in the end I hurt myself the most.

I take complete responsibility for that and every reaction I have to a negetive moment in time.

Sometimes you just have to have faith and say well
" Shit happens" (from Forrest Gump) no matter how small or big.

If I feel the bad feelings I take deep breaths, and if I have to an ativan to sleep it off. I say a prayer before hand and wake up feeling fresh and new with much strengh.

If I can't be somewhere to sleep iit off I will pick up the bible and start reading chapters and versus and that is the one person besides myself that i can truly count on.

Thanks for listening

stay safe stay warm

chow (pretty cold out but I love it, so have some hot soup)

Saturday, February 23, 2008


I love getting involved in the Discussion boards in the Barrie Facebook Network...
this particular one really hit home from one written by a wise girl named Deborah she called "Act in Haste...Repent in Leisure"...

my response

I realized spreading the love over spreading the hate a much happier road. You can wake up in the morning cheerul, hoping you can make a better difference in someone's day.

If I think I may have accidently hurt someone's feelings I immedialtely try to reconcile it and if I can't right away, it tears me apart.I always had two sides of me and that's because I'm Bipolar.

At one time I didn't know how to control my anger for the littlest things and there were many factors that caused that from diet, hormonal, Bipolar, stress of family, marriage, the normal things in life and stage of life. I've learned the hard way that even if someone slaps you in the face you should always try to turn the other cheek.

Sometimes it's hard if you are defending something you're extremely passionate about and will sometimes go to extremes to protect it.But then you learn no matter how much pain that person inflicted on you, anger and revenge only turn you into an evil person yourself and bad karma comes right back on you, no matter how much at the time you think your actions or words were right.I could say I live in shame for my actions..but I don't.

I have learned that life is to short to care about the things in life you can't control, and when you allow your spirit to be broken..you've allowed the evil to provail.We all make huge mistakes in our life... but isn't it better to forgive if a person has learned from their mistakes and try to chage by it. It is what makes us grow as we find our individual meaning in life.

When we make happiness in someone's day the energy flows from one to another until that energy meets upon negative energy..and the result can be painful.It's good to know you realized how much words can hurt..words are so powerful yet can also mean nothing.Actions speak louder then words..but words are powerful enough to make Action..which makes the words have more feeling.

My mother always taught me reflection on your day creates wisdom. Treat others the way you want to be treated.I followed those peices of wisdom even when I worked in the hospitality business.

I was the kind of server that I would try my hardest to make it the most pleasant experience I could because I know how I always wanted to be treated when sitting down for lunch or dinner or just out for the night.

People can be very forgiving when you admit wrong doing as long as it's sincere.

So yes behind every facebook user or forum there is someone's soul behind it and we use it in different ways...many people are crying for help out there but just like in our "real" society...we just make fun or ignore them..then blame them whenever we can.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008


Crashes happen all the time in life…


Causes of Mania…

fast, flying, streaming, passion, , understood, passion

Causes of Depression

wrong turn, computer error, faulty part, lack of control, bad example, lack of control

Never let go of your powerful moments, hang on to them for those times when life will sometimes feel it's come to a fiery crash,

you'll always have something to use when your day comes to fight back.

Saturday, February 16, 2008


After 17 years if a man pays attention he knows what really makes a woman happy.

Ron knows I like it simple, but lively,

Thoughtful but not extravagant.

Every morning, for more years that I can count, he makes me my coffee just the way I like it... with love, and wakes me up..it starts my day off right.

He knows when to make me eat...
because when Mandy's on a Mission... she runs until she is choking on fumes.

He knows when to make me sleep...because when time is short he knows I try to race against it.

He knows when to anger... because when lack of both makes me confused.

He knows when to ask if I took my pill, because the sensitive times can trigger the prior three.

He knows when I need a hug...because sometimes my shell is so hard to break ..
when he can.. he tries.

He knows what relaxes me...so for his Valentines Gift he brought my coffee,
put on cologne
and made me a list of all the different songs...
of all the different genres...
of all the different times ...
for me to kick back and listen today

Understanding is half the battle.
tribute to my husband of 17 years

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


A psychiatrist's job or what I always would believe, (another story,) is to have you ask your own questions then dig for the reasons behind it.

Dig deep into your past and follow the road taken, where did it take you?

Could you have done something to change that to meet your goals?

We all need to ask these questions but it's not easy to answer unless you really take a critical look at yourself, an honest critical look and sometimes, that it very depressing, you ask why?

Why is my life like this, a bad chain of events?

The answer you have to find is did you do something to create it, karma is a very powerful force.

With decisions in everyday life when you get a feeling of a choice of two, one seeming the wrong way but much more exciting or to stop, look behind, look now then look ahead, where will one decision get you opposed to the other?

God tells us to ask and we will receive, but you have to remember and be careful what it is your asking as what you may receive may be a hard lesson taught.

The hardest question to answer is which is the right way. Sometimes what seems wrong can be the right path changing your destiny to what your destiny is to be.

The true challenge in life,

finding the right path in the least painful way possible.

Friday, February 8, 2008


With the kids in school, and Ron at work , they became my best friends, talking to them as they would seem to listen and understand. It's amazing how they have a sense of how your feeling, this what makes a great psychiatrist and best friends.

Alone in the house I had friends all around me, my neighbourhood were my friends but as we all got older and our kids started growing up everyone became busy with their life, mine included , but within what looked like to many as a lonely person, I was still blessed with many friends.

My loving family members of pets including my dogs, cats, guinea pigs and for a short time my Rabbit Jack with the radio always tuned into Rock 95 giving me the other friendship I needed, I'd bring my pet friends and radio friends while having a coffee with me, working in my garden or house, laying back soaking up the rays or after a long day then soaking up the bubbles (no animals allowed in bubbles..okay except Rock 95) in the bathtub.

My animals as my shrinks talking to them as they listened and the Rock 95 crew's choice of music, humor, charities, personalities and a true love for music old and new, I never felt lonely.

With Rock 95 such great supporters of my hometown of Barrie and have the love of Canada as I do, they continually helped me through some of the toughest times in my life, helping me remember my past, present and to look into my future.

Pets don't talk but listen helping in so many ways as does the Rock 95 crew that talk as we listen, being there and reliable everyday, just listening live and instant friends to give me that pick me up I need.

I always wanted to phone in on contests or just a request, but I am shy and felt I had nothing exciting to say, (I think I'd probably give the money I won to one of the many charities Rock 95 supports) so I just enjoy listening to everyones excitement talking with the crew when they fianlly get through , loving the feeling of talking with them.

The fans tell them how difficult it is to get them on the phone, which just shows how their listeners will sit with them all day long and listen...

just like I do.

This post is dedicated to the listeners and speakers in my life, for the times you've been there to keep me company... when company was all I needed.

Thursday, February 7, 2008


Britney Britney help yourself, get those friends away from you and let your family, the ones who really are looking out for your well being help you. I may not be famous and not many know me but I know what you feel, your beginning and end the fear of change, use your past and present to look into your future and that's where the healing begins.

I could never imagine my Dear Britney Spears

Living in a world's broken promises and fear

Such a young girl so innocent and new

The glory of fame to name a few

Took away what you remember well

A life with peace to live and tell

Now those days are over

Your nightmares begins

Use your voice God gave you

And start to forgive your own sin

Open your eyes and go back in time

Make your nightmare your blessing

Like I did mine.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008


Like most it is difficult for me to remember my childhood, but thankfully the influential people in my life always had words of wisdom to share with me whether young or old, family, friends, sometimes even strangers who, with much in common, don't feel like strangers anymore.

My birth came a month late, as I should have been April born and named if I had been. My mother argued with the doctor to induce her but he was convinced it was to early, so in May my mother gave birth at 12:00pm as I was blessed to be born into this world. She was right as mother's usually are, I was 41 weeks gestation. The doctor knew from the growth of body hair and noticeable things like that when newborns are older then thought.

My mother raves of my baby beauty but I saw my pictures, I looked like a Cabbage Patch doll and personally I never understood why those wrinkled up little toys were so popular, they weren't the cutest doll, but a doll they were, I guess just that something about them so many people liked.

I remember I was quiet and shy, my mother recently telling Ron "She was the model child, she never spoke unless spoken to and never caused a problem", with my dad close behind in a joking voice but in a truthful statement "Until she became a 15 year old teenager".

I think all those years explaining to friends, "She is just shy", my parents thought they had it made with me. I wouldn't be a troublesome teenager, a handful just a shy and quiet kid, but what no one knew, I was only listening and absorbing my surroundings. I would listen and learn so I could find a way to relate to people since in many ways I take on many personalities.

Once the teenage years hit my sudden shyness disappeared (except around those I still wanted to believe I was shy and quiet) and a stubborn wild child developed and came out, and when I came out…everybody knew and that quiet shy little girl was now just a memory and the rebirth of a new beginning began.

I tend to do everything late in life and usually backwards, but like George on Seinfeld if the opposite works then isn't that the right way?

I often wonder could evolving into a bull in May rather then a ram in April, a reason I started everything late in life and if so was it meant to be or just one doctor's mistake that started this path called

my life.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


myspace layout images I can relate still as a child feels, misunderstood and ignored. I don't know if it comes from being 24 and pregnant. I have spent the majority of my time since then with the kids. I did have a time with many friends, but we all had kids and those kids were friends as we all were.

Along with those great friendships formed so did the friendship and understanding of many children I had the pleasure of watching grow up, some to adulthood , and now thanks to our technology I can continue to watch them grow from a distance just as if they were my own children and I couldn't love them more as if they were my own kids.

Ten years flew by fast and within those years my lessons learned were many. It was within these 10 years I came to full acceptance of my illness and how I was tired of fighting it, it was now my time to conquer it.

I was asked by many psychiatrists over the years to keep a journal of my moods, to chart them down on a scale. I would start this task but could never finish it, there was no way I could keep up with all my thought processes within a day, so I started journaling on paper. Problem with that, it was hard to decipher what I was saying between my writing turning to scribbling and my random thoughts of more subjects I can keep up with.

I finally found two things in my life that go hand in hand and found to be another blessing in my life.

Music and blogging. These two feelings have helped me and without them I'd be lost. My love for both listening and thinking, as I can type as fast as my thoughts come, my words now legible with the ability in going back to edit what I was actually trying to say, deciphering the rambling it seems to be at the beginning.

Music has a class of it's own with the memories and comforts it brings, reflecting back and songs can relate to your life in one way or another, this telling us we are all the same when it comes to finding our destiny.

On those gray days I sometimes felt and still feel, music keeps up my spirits and when you have a favourite DJ, sometimes they make life not seem so lonely and can give you that smile or comfort you really need at that moment in time, like they know what their listeners are feeling.

I guess that's what makes a great late night DJ , a friendly comforting and soothing voice to the listeners they know benefit the most from being there.

Taking away the loneliness

when alone is all you feel.

Dedicated to my fav. DJ
Thank you Darryl... you make listening worth it.